The "Über" Ranger Blog Show

I darn near killed the Boss’s daughter whom turned not only one… but three different shades of red. Talk about a career limiting move eh? Naw, he did warn her in advance I’m certain. Hyup, about six people went down in flames this year running for milk, water, fire extinguishers.

Actual emails and comments from anonymous cow-orkers, après lunch:

- “5 alarm my ass! Those wings had to come from the depths of hell.
There is no code for that level of heat.”

- “i SURVIVED!” (Where’s my t-shirt!)

- “Can I take some leftovers home for unsuspecting loved ones!!”

- “Global chicken warming is finally here!”

- “Wow, you’re fast! Like someone lit your ass on fire. Must be the wings…”

- “I just washed the pan (afterwards), and my hands
are still burning!” (Kitchen Staff)

- “Yeah, I warned her.. but someone must have dared her.” (The Boss)

Yup, it’s that time of year again around the office here. Xmas Staff Party Pot Luck Lunch! Or, as I like to refer to it as: “Poison Your Cow-orker Day!”

I am off now to go start cooking up a batch of my infamous Ranger Bob Five Alarm wings to both endanger, and test the “manginas” of fellow employees (unsuspecting victims) this Thursday.

Indeed, it takes a full 48 hours for the cook process to get them that hot, and I’m hoping to exceed last years reactions. I also have a new base ingredient as well this year to try out. Truly, my wings are the gift that keeps on giving.

Related Links:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Buffalo_wings
http://ranger-bob.net/?p=269

Update (7:21 PM): Like WOW Man! I could eat the Hottest Peppers On Earth (Scotch Bonnet – “Eaten raw, these peppers are also known to cause dizziness, numbness of hands and cheeks, and severe heartburn“) right off the vine on my trip to the Coast this summer, but just two drops of my latest batch of 5 Alarm (Nay… Nay… 6 Alarm Sauce) this evening has even me breaking into a sweat as I type this. Pouring off my forehead, on to the keyboard. Bloop! Bloop! I can hardly wait… the trap is set. I have truly outdone myself this time. For desert I am bringing Jalapeno & Habanero jam & crackers that I picked up from the farm too.

See also the “Hot Sauce Blog” — my wings are not even on the “Duff’s Scale” which drops off at 850,000 Scoville Heat Units which is rated as… Armageddon. I’d say I was pushing 1,000,000 with this batch… so next time I’d better be prepared to kick it up a notch or two. 15,000,000 – 16,000,000 Pure capsaicin is the upper limit with about 2,000,000 – 5,300,000 being basically Bear Spray wings!

It’s Millah Time!

@ 5:40 PM

Wings Were A Hit!

Even with the above disclaimer posted beside them I had more then a few takers. Only seven people went down in flames this year — racing for the aforementioned water cooler with red faces. Only one person was brave enough to try the extra alarm bell sauce with them.

By the end of the day they were all gone though — and I may have to bring them again next year too.

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@ 9:30 PM

The Ghost Of Christmas Past

Tomorrow afternoon is our annual Christmas Pot Luck at the workplace, and the rumor mill around the water cooler is that I make some mean hot wings. That is to say, I last poisoned my cow-orkers about two years ago. Since there has been a lot of staff turn over since then, and only rumors remain of how hot my Ranger Bob 5 Alarm Hot Wings really are – I was requested to “Bring It On!”

And so I have… and like the Colonel not all of my secret spices and ingredients are revealed here.

No, I don’t find these to be very hot myself personally…. just tasty. My beta testers now (ahh, that would be the fam damily)… after one wing each I had them racing to the freezer to pop ice-cubes, and commence the downing of bowls of vanilla ice-cream. Good to go!

I love my Hooters Hot Pot!

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@ 8:27 PM

Dolberg – The Movie

In my May 16 BLOG entry I indicated that on the May Long weekend I was headed into the bush to do some fishing, and shoot another pyro video. Well, Ranger Bob delivers on that promise with the assistance of “Spielberg Scratch”. Check out this well done episode he whipped together (a la “Jackass” theme!). It totally rocks.. especially the DVD version with interactive menus.

Click here to download the 60 MB (WMV) video.

You can also view my Dolberg – prequel from 1997 that Pyro Perry shot. You might notice that the water levels have dropped about 3 feet since then too by looking at the dock sag, and boat launch ramp blocks outta water.

Oh yeah finally, the Flames choked last night.. as did many people on my Ranger Bob 5 Alarm Wings. Scratch (right) took just a lick of one.. and was on his ass. Doc (left) did well and ate only two of them before calling it quits.

He wrote in this testiclemonial about them:
“I gotta say RB, those wings were DANG HOT!!!

I did manage two wings and contemplated a third but I guess my mangina was acting up
A true test of manhood right there in those wings
Hope you bring ‘em again for the next Flies ‘N’ Beer

You da man RB! “

We also held the premiere of the video that night, and you might notice the “flames” on the laptop display.

~ Go Oilers Go!

@ 5:06 PM

Pike On The Fly

Took the day off and went fishing out at aptly named “Jackfish Lake” in “Red Dwarf”. If you’ve never fished for Pike on a Flyrod before in your life.. man you’re totally missing out. Such gratuitous violence! Big Toothy Critters… Nasty Tempers!

So, later on this evening I’ll be watching the Stanley Cup Final at Santannas Pub (17930-Stony Plain Road) at 7 PM while I tie up some more Pike Flies during Doc’s Flies N’ Beer night. Swing on by if you want to sample some of my world famous Ranger Bob 5 Alarm Hot Wings which I will be bringing down to challenge the boys manhood.

Go Flames Go, Indeed!

@ 3:17 PM

Hooters Hot Pot

Having a bunch of friends over tonight for a “Wing Night”, and I make a pretty mean Ranger Bob Five Alarm Hot Wing Sauce. As my old deep fryer couldn’t keep up to the demand (it fried itself) I scored one of these today. I should now be able to make this out in the “field”. I can already envision the line-ups to the outhouse in the morning.